Speak Freely

I just finished the book, Permission to Speak Freely, by Anne Jackson. It is real, honest, and transparent. I read the whole thing in less than 3 hours.

We all desire to be open, to be seen, to be known, but how often to we give each other the permission to speak freely. And how often do we take that leap ourselves?

It is funny this book showed up now. Aaron and I have been talking a lot lately about the things that we seem to cover up pretty well in church. The things that no one really wants to talk about. Even though we know we are to be the open door, always accepting, always loving, most of us at some point or another, or on one topic or another, struggle with judgment against others, or most likely against ourselves. We don’t like to be uncomfortable which honestly commonly is. We seem scared of the truth of what people are going through. Why? Maybe because it makes it more real. Maybe because it means we don’t have all the answers we thought we did. Or maybe because it strikes a cord too close to our own struggles.

“I realize fear isn’t only affecting me, but humanity as well. As I look around today, I see him hooking into many people I encounter. Their hearts are fighting for their dreams, yet fear claws away at their spirits, telling them their dreams are impossible. These people want to have a family, go back to school, quit their jobs and move to Africa, ask that girl out, volunteer at a shelter, stand up for justice, pose a question, right a wrong, or say hi to their neighbor, but Fear soaks into their bloodstream like a paralyzing virus and prevents them from taking a step in the beautiful, wonderful, difficult life in front of them, Fear wants to stop our stories. And with the pain and brokenness and hurt in this world, we simply can’t let it. The human race needs a hope and faith and light now more than ever.” Anne Jackson, Permission to Speak Freely.

I have to be honest, of course there are things I struggle with that I don’t want to talk about. We all have the desire to be seen as strong and put together. And probably a lot of times we think we are. I know I do. That is why my world is shaking once again. I am seeing myself for who I am and I don’t like some of it.

In the book Anne talks about the Gift of Going Second. When we are open and share our struggles, hurt & pain with someone, we give them a gift. We give them the gift of going second. We give them the gift of knowing that they aren’t alone and that there is someone to walk through it with them. It is a precious gift that brings hope, it brings power, it brings strength.

“Admission is just sharing something that is wrong so you can get it off your chest. Confession on the other hand is the beginning of transformation.”

I couldn’t write this with integrity without including some of my own confessions. I am in a limbo season right now where everything seems wide open. Where I am looking at life and trying to figure out where I want it to go. I am standing in a desert with nothing but shrubs around me wondering how I am going to build my Swiss Family Robinson tree house. I am at the place of accountability where you look at what is in your hand and ask “what am I going to do with it?” And all my fears come to the surface.

Fear of dreams not coming true. Fear of dreams coming true. Fear of making decisions and commitments. Fear of knowing that if I don’t then I guarantee my ineffectiveness yet not knowing if I have what it takes. Fear of discovering that who I am is not who I what to be and that the perfect image of what I want is unattainable. That the window that separates me and that girl is made from bullet proof glass. I am a dreamer and a visionary and I fear that it is all in vain and that God shouldn’t have bothered giving my all these thoughts because I wont do anything anyway.

That is the honest truth. Fortunately I am a fighter. I wont live with that. I know that all those fears are lies because I truly am made for something special. Now, the painful process of moving that truth from my head to my heart.

I am ready to rip off the door of that dark closet.

The one that seeps ribbons of fear through my mind.

The one that threatens me by its very presence

It is full of fear like a black oozing mess, waiting to burst open and soil everything

To expose me for the imperfect person I am

To stain my heart all over again

But I wont let it

It is a lie. The door is a lie. The room is a lie.

There is nothing hidden from God.

I will rip it off its hinges! Expose it!

What is there? Nothing. Nothing but a silent, dusty, empty room.

Light spills in and the sun rays sparkle as they trickle through the musty air.

Just a room

A room waiting for color. For love. For company.

It is a lonely place, hidden here alone. Not anymore.

I am hear. Claiming it. Facing it.

Choosing it as part of me. Accepting it.

I’m ready to live, to fill, to be free.

Amani

School of Illustration Week 1 & 2

Where to start? Even though I have only completed 2 weeks of school I feel like I have been doing this for a month! There is a huge amount of work packed into each week. Last week was introduction to drawing.

We did lots of different things, but the main project for the week was looking at 10 different conflicts an artist encounters. We each picked a number out of a hat and had the assignment of illustrating the 2 conflicting topics. Mine was perfectionism vs. grace. This is definitely one of my biggest struggles. I have expectations for myself that create so much pressure that I forget to enjoy the process. One of the most significant times I noticed this was when I did a 6 week dance seminar. I wanted desperately to do a good job and become an amazing dancer, so I put so much pressure on myself that I was striving and scowling most of the time. I chose the picture of the ballerina because it illustrates that season in my life, and many other times where there is the conflict of perfectionism vs. freedom to dance.

The second drawing is of finger painting. With finger painting the goal is not to create a masterpiece. It is the process. It is getting your hands dirty and just plain having fun (notice what the paint splotches say)

After these drawings where complete we had the assignment of drawing an animal using color pencil. I have never really used color pencils outside of a coloring book, so this was a challenge. I had to learn the techniques as I went and try to apply my "fun" lesson. It took many hours before I got the "fun" stage in this one. I went from, "hmmm I think I will need to invest in a larger set of pencils"... to "I never want to use these again!" to...."I guess a few more pencils would be a good thing"....

That was all week 1! I learned so much I can't put it all down, it was a growth experience to say the least. I learned how people (like my husband) can spend 50+ hours at their jobs and still feel like there is more to do. When you are passionate about something there is no end to the work to be done!

Week 2:

Oh my gosh, let's just say I have not been so happy to reach Friday in a long time! That sounds terrible, but it was extremely challenging for me. It was so strange because it was almost all internal. We had a guest speaker whose goal for the week was to break us out of the mold that we have been conditioned into living in. That doesn't happen easily, or delicately. He was an aggressive personality, which was challenging in and of itself. I was right back to my perfectionism habit, trying to create a masterpiece out of finger painting! That is frustrating! LOL.

He had us do all kinds of things, always asking why not? Why can't an apple be blue? Why does it have to be round? How 'bout square? The first couple days I was having a major internal struggle, hating everything I was doing, comparing myself to others...never a good thing...and totally missing the point. Finally I through my hands up in the air (metaphorically) and said forget it, I'm just gonna do what I want and stop trying. (That was the point all along.) Finally I started making things that he looked at and said "That's fun!"

BINGO! By the end of the week when I looked back through my pieces I discovered there where way more things I liked than I thought. Even though the comparing was bad, I used it to drive me to a new level. I asked myself what do I like about that, how can I make mine more like that. It is so funny, because comparing usually goes two ways. As I sit there thinking I love how bold that is! They are looking at mine thinking I love how delicate that is. Iron sharpening Iron. I learned a lot about not only getting out of the box, taking risks, critical thinking, but also developing my own personal style.

After all week of breaking all the rules, our final assignment was to pick a piece and make a perfect rendering of it. I dug in my heels big time! I did NOT want to do this. I was having a hard time making pictures look good withOUT rules. How was I gonna do it with them? I again had to decide I will do the best I can and enjoy it rather than freaking out about it. (That was after 2 days of freaking out.) I finally picked something and got to work. This cup represents me being poured out, and spreading life, color and FUN! through the world. :) (Along with the "perfect" picture, we were also asked to make a graphic that compliments the object=the water.)

Apparently I am not the only one struggling with these things. One of the artists I admire wrote her blog about this very thing.

"I believe I just had to acknowledge that while self-criticism is important for developing excellent work, perfectionism can become paralyzing when it creeps in...and also that any one painting cannot represent the depth and breadth of an entire body of work. A painting is simply a moment in the course of a long journey. With these thoughts, I was able to loosen up, enjoy painting and feel my faith in the process return. "

-Rebecca Crowell

For such a time as this

This year is quickly coming to a close and is bringing with it exciting changes! In January I will be attending the University of the Nations, School of Illustration!! I have officially recieved my acceptance letter which makes it all the more real. I have been holding my breath waiting for the news. No more waiting though! My last day at work will be Dec 31st. Yikes!!! I have mixed emotions, excitement being the most prominant one, but there is also a bit of apprehension mixed in as well. Just a hint. New experiences always have a bit of that. But I have the distinct feeling I am walking into destiny.
I don't know why it is now, after four years of waiting and wishing and hoping. But it is finally time. In 2007 when we first moved to Hawaii I attended the World of Dance seminar at the UofN. It was 5 weeks of intense dance training. Along with that though was the question, what are you called to. Whatever it is do it and do it with all your heart. I knew distinctly that I am made to be an artist. I live to create and to express through every medium possible. I have been struggling to understand what that means for me and how I fit into a society (or more likely my own expectations) of security and longevity, responsibility. I have come to the understanding that it is essential for me to live outside the boundaries of convention. To explore uncharted territory and make life up as I go. I have the opportunity to impact the world through creativity and I intend to use every way possible to do that. This will be one of my biggest steps so far in making sure that happens.
Lately, I have been going through a few different passion assessments with my church leadership. What really stands out to me is something I have realized before and am recognizing again... your dreams, your destiny, your passions, they never die. They just get covered up sometimes by circumstance or expectations or reality as most people call it. I believe that each of us is born with something that just keeps coming back to us, that we always wanted to do, or be. Aaron always wanted to be a helicopter pilot, but he reasoned it away for years thinking it was too big of a dream. I always wanted to be an artist but tried to fall in love with something else more practical. We probably all have something like this. The key is to have the faith to take the step, make the changes and start living your dream.

Your heart has know the truth from inception

It echos through your soul

Courses through your veins

Lives in your dreams

Destiny awaits you.

Stop. Listen.

Breathe

Ahhhh….

I feel like I can breathe again. The last 2 months have been so intense that I didn’t know if I would ever relax again. My valiant efforts of obtaining peace in the midst of the storm were still severely lacking. I feel like I haven’t seen or talked to anyone in months-unless you were unlucky enough to be in my path. ;) I could hardly even update my facebook status!

But now, our house is done. At least all the major things. I can sit on my sofa and gaze at our handiwork. There are no ugly holes, edges, unfinished anything glaring back at me. I can use the kitchen sink for dishes and the bathroom sink for brushing my teeth instead of vise versa. I can open the fridge instead of a cooler. (granted the cooler was only for 24hrs...but still!)

Our condo is now on the market so spotlessness is mandatory and I welcome it.

With a million other things crowding my mind, I am so relived that this is no longer one of them.

Ahhhhh.....

Be still

My life has been hectic these past few weeks. My husband has been bed ridden, my one and only bathroom has been gutted (no shower, then no toilet, and no sink the whole time) and there are 5 adults living in a 2 bedroom condo.

I have been overwhelmed trying to take care of everything, keep the house in some level of livability, have food to eat, help my hubby, and work full time. I have tried over and over to remind myself that there are many people who live in a similar amount of chaos at all times (take my sister raising 5 children and her hubby working full time) I guess they build up an immunity towards the hectic-ness. I think that I generally do pretty well living in disorder- You can see what I have been living in for the last 6 months by looking at my design blog.http://becomingdesign.blogspot.com/

I guess I rely on the physical and emotional strength of my husband quite a bit, having him out of commission throws off my equilibrium. I am one half trying to make a whole.

Anyway all that to say that I have been pent up, stressed out, and scowling for a few days now. Yesterday was one of those days where everything brought tears to my eyes. But then I was reminded of where I find my strength. It isn’t by trying to juggle it all and keep moving non-stop, put your head down and plow through…it is in the stillness. It is taking the time, even just a couple minutes, to sit and center your thoughts. It is resting in peace knowing that we can’t see everything, we may not understand why, but God does, and He is bigger and better than everything we can imagine.

This process almost always requires a breaking. I was trying to do the right thing the whole time, trust God, be at peace, live in the moment, but I wasn’t succeeding. Hence the breaking, you get so pent up or worn out that you don’t have a choice but to collapse and take a breath and realize you are doing it all wrong.

In general I don’t like routine but there are some things that are important to me like having my Spark (energy drink) every morning. That is a crucial routine. There are a few others that I didn’t realize were so important though: A relaxing shower where I can sing or pray and readjust my thoughts, listening to music in the AM, and speaking out-loud good things about my life. These are the things that I have been lacking that help me keep my balance, retain my focus and remember how good life really is. These are the things that I am going to try not to forget. I am going to take the time to be still and Know that He is God.

Inspired

I should really be going to bed right now, but instead my mind is racing with possibilities. What possibilities I'm not exactly sure, they are lurking just below the realm of definite thought. My tummy is tingling with anticipation, my fingers are itching with unspent energy and I am sitting here relishing the moment. Once I feel the spurt of inspiration there is no stopping it. I think and I dream and I just have to get it out somehow. Sometimes it is to the not so awake ear of my hubby as he is trying to fall asleep at night. Sometimes it is through a fury of flying paint as I attack my canvas with passion. Sometimes it is the aimless wandering of my pen across the paper, swirly and twirly and fun. Sometimes it is furiously writing my ideas before the escape back into unconsciousness, or writing a memo to myself to remember my AHA. No matter what it is glorious and fun. It is venturing into the unknown, the unread, unseen, unthought. It is hope. It is joy. It is destiny. It is the possibility of a new tomorrow.

It is Release.

It is a Dream.

It is Passion.

It is Romance.

It is a Journey.

It is a Destination.

It is Expression.

It is Divine.
It is Inspiration.

Eat, Pray, Love

I just watched Eat, Pray, Love with Julia Roberts (I love her) She travels to Italy to eat, India to meditate and Bali to Love. She is on a quest to find herself after realizing she has lived her life fitting in through her relationships. Naturally it got me thinking about Life & Love. (and Spaghetti )
I think a lot of people, maybe everyone at some point, live their lives trying to do it right. The right marriage, the right career, the right car, house, talent etc...We should all stop and spend some time looking at ourselves and see what is right for me?
I wondered for a second, what does this mean for me. Do I have to go off on my own and find myself? I have "always" been in a relationship (married at 18) Because of that my searching and growing has always been in perspective of another person. I never went through an independant, live on my own, stage. I went straight from my parents house to my married house (apartment). For a little while I thought that was a bad thing, I thought I missed out or that to be a strong woman meant I should be an independant one. Don't worry that though didn't last long cuz I realized- that is part of what makes me, me. I love to be close to the people I love. I don't like to be alone. A couple hours of alone time every once in a while is just fine with me. I got married young because that was what I wanted. Part of me always knew that being me meant being part of a we. (That is so cheesy I am laughing at myself) But that's part of me. It is a strength and a weakness but that's ok. I'm learning the balance.
I am blessed to be married to a man that loves me for me, and he helps me understand when I'm not quite sure I understand myself.

Every experience in life gives us the opportunity to find more of ourselves. To choose what we believe, what is important to us, and how we are going to respond. How we choose to respond is what makes us who we are today. We don't have to go anywhere for that.
(Don't get me wrong, I am so planning a trip around the world still)