New Beginnings

It has been a whirlwind ever since my brother moved away a month ago -has it really only been a month?!! I have been sensing ever since April that something significant was going to happen at the beginning of July. I wasn't too happy when I found out it involved my little bro and Anna moving away :( But I knew there had to be something good coming. And there was, so many opportunities! I have been doing so many different things that are all right up my ally.
The after day he left I got a job painting houses, which of course I love. I have definitely had the chance to do some painting of my own in the past and always enjoyed it, now getting paid for it is even better. I love not working in a box (a store). I love having a project that you have visible results and an end date.  And of course I love being in houses. Even if I'm not picking the paint color or adding decorations, just the process of being involved in a transformation is fabulous. (And I got a few weeks off while my boss is away ;)
I also am teaching a couple times a week, which is fun and rewarding. I teach drawing to a group of kids between 7-12 and I  paint with Clint, who uses art to overcome his disabilities. (http://clintdoyle.com/) It is great to be able to pass on some of my love of art and see their faces when they make something they couldn't before.

I have been able to spend plenty of time on the computer as well as I worked on the T shirts for our church's Focus conference. I am on the creative arts team for it so there has been lots of brainstorming and I am just getting started on the stage design! As of today we should have a venue so it'll be exciting to see what we can do in a short time.

And last but not least, my favorite project of all- my first (paid) design job!!! Through a local business networking group I met a lady that needed some help on her condo. I did a consultation, picked colors and gave her a new furniture arrangement that she loves. (Photos to come when the paint dries :))

It has been a busy but fun time for me! All these things that I love to do are all happening at the same time and it is so wonderful to move into a new season in my life where I get to use my gifts and explore my passions and continue learning about myself. I am about to register my business as a visual artist and plan on working towards my dream of a non-profit in the next few months. I kinda feel like a baby just getting their feet under them, every little step feels like a big one but it is really rewarding. :)

Resume vs. photo album

I had a bit of an epiphany as I was driving along a couple days ago. I realized that I have been viewing the course of my life as if it were a resume. I have been listing my accomplishments and always coming up short. I have never had what I would consider a career job and have only had one job (at the furniture store) that I even liked very much. Therefore I wasn't feeling "accomplished." I really like to accomplish things. I love projects, and I love for everyday to look like I have done something. That means in the mundane, meaningless times, I have to work really hard to stay positive.
I think that if the opportunities had opened up that I thought I wanted, I would ended up working in a job that might sound like what I want but not really be it. I thought I wanted to be the buyer for the furniture store and I know there are things that I could really enjoy about it, but there are a lot of things that just aren't me. It took me a long time to realize that. (much longer than my husband) I think one reason is I felt the need to go with the more defined route of a "real" job and because I didn't know what it felt like to be in an environment that suited me.
My epiphany came because the buyer position sort of opened up and I sort of missed it and I realized that I didn't miss it at all and that wasn't really what I wanted anyway. And I'm not saying that to make myself feel better. Now that I have had a taste of things I love-art school, teaching art, freelance work, painting houses...I am finally getting to live in the environment I always wanted.
I realize that I have to stop looking at my life like a resume. I am not out to find the perfect job. I am an artist, I will create as I go and the more tools I have in my belt, the better the end result.
I decided in that moment that I want to look at my life like a photo album. I want to remember all those really cool things that make up my life whether it be related to a job or not. I want to remember my experiences and my projects. I want to see my life in pictures, not titles.

"Successful people are able to see the threads of the past & threads of the future and and untangle them into something manageable" Seth Goden, Linchpin

Speak Freely

I just finished the book, Permission to Speak Freely, by Anne Jackson. It is real, honest, and transparent. I read the whole thing in less than 3 hours.

We all desire to be open, to be seen, to be known, but how often to we give each other the permission to speak freely. And how often do we take that leap ourselves?

It is funny this book showed up now. Aaron and I have been talking a lot lately about the things that we seem to cover up pretty well in church. The things that no one really wants to talk about. Even though we know we are to be the open door, always accepting, always loving, most of us at some point or another, or on one topic or another, struggle with judgment against others, or most likely against ourselves. We don’t like to be uncomfortable which honestly commonly is. We seem scared of the truth of what people are going through. Why? Maybe because it makes it more real. Maybe because it means we don’t have all the answers we thought we did. Or maybe because it strikes a cord too close to our own struggles.

“I realize fear isn’t only affecting me, but humanity as well. As I look around today, I see him hooking into many people I encounter. Their hearts are fighting for their dreams, yet fear claws away at their spirits, telling them their dreams are impossible. These people want to have a family, go back to school, quit their jobs and move to Africa, ask that girl out, volunteer at a shelter, stand up for justice, pose a question, right a wrong, or say hi to their neighbor, but Fear soaks into their bloodstream like a paralyzing virus and prevents them from taking a step in the beautiful, wonderful, difficult life in front of them, Fear wants to stop our stories. And with the pain and brokenness and hurt in this world, we simply can’t let it. The human race needs a hope and faith and light now more than ever.” Anne Jackson, Permission to Speak Freely.

I have to be honest, of course there are things I struggle with that I don’t want to talk about. We all have the desire to be seen as strong and put together. And probably a lot of times we think we are. I know I do. That is why my world is shaking once again. I am seeing myself for who I am and I don’t like some of it.

In the book Anne talks about the Gift of Going Second. When we are open and share our struggles, hurt & pain with someone, we give them a gift. We give them the gift of going second. We give them the gift of knowing that they aren’t alone and that there is someone to walk through it with them. It is a precious gift that brings hope, it brings power, it brings strength.

“Admission is just sharing something that is wrong so you can get it off your chest. Confession on the other hand is the beginning of transformation.”

I couldn’t write this with integrity without including some of my own confessions. I am in a limbo season right now where everything seems wide open. Where I am looking at life and trying to figure out where I want it to go. I am standing in a desert with nothing but shrubs around me wondering how I am going to build my Swiss Family Robinson tree house. I am at the place of accountability where you look at what is in your hand and ask “what am I going to do with it?” And all my fears come to the surface.

Fear of dreams not coming true. Fear of dreams coming true. Fear of making decisions and commitments. Fear of knowing that if I don’t then I guarantee my ineffectiveness yet not knowing if I have what it takes. Fear of discovering that who I am is not who I what to be and that the perfect image of what I want is unattainable. That the window that separates me and that girl is made from bullet proof glass. I am a dreamer and a visionary and I fear that it is all in vain and that God shouldn’t have bothered giving my all these thoughts because I wont do anything anyway.

That is the honest truth. Fortunately I am a fighter. I wont live with that. I know that all those fears are lies because I truly am made for something special. Now, the painful process of moving that truth from my head to my heart.

I am ready to rip off the door of that dark closet.

The one that seeps ribbons of fear through my mind.

The one that threatens me by its very presence

It is full of fear like a black oozing mess, waiting to burst open and soil everything

To expose me for the imperfect person I am

To stain my heart all over again

But I wont let it

It is a lie. The door is a lie. The room is a lie.

There is nothing hidden from God.

I will rip it off its hinges! Expose it!

What is there? Nothing. Nothing but a silent, dusty, empty room.

Light spills in and the sun rays sparkle as they trickle through the musty air.

Just a room

A room waiting for color. For love. For company.

It is a lonely place, hidden here alone. Not anymore.

I am hear. Claiming it. Facing it.

Choosing it as part of me. Accepting it.

I’m ready to live, to fill, to be free.

Amani

School of Illustration Week 1 & 2

Where to start? Even though I have only completed 2 weeks of school I feel like I have been doing this for a month! There is a huge amount of work packed into each week. Last week was introduction to drawing.

We did lots of different things, but the main project for the week was looking at 10 different conflicts an artist encounters. We each picked a number out of a hat and had the assignment of illustrating the 2 conflicting topics. Mine was perfectionism vs. grace. This is definitely one of my biggest struggles. I have expectations for myself that create so much pressure that I forget to enjoy the process. One of the most significant times I noticed this was when I did a 6 week dance seminar. I wanted desperately to do a good job and become an amazing dancer, so I put so much pressure on myself that I was striving and scowling most of the time. I chose the picture of the ballerina because it illustrates that season in my life, and many other times where there is the conflict of perfectionism vs. freedom to dance.

The second drawing is of finger painting. With finger painting the goal is not to create a masterpiece. It is the process. It is getting your hands dirty and just plain having fun (notice what the paint splotches say)

After these drawings where complete we had the assignment of drawing an animal using color pencil. I have never really used color pencils outside of a coloring book, so this was a challenge. I had to learn the techniques as I went and try to apply my "fun" lesson. It took many hours before I got the "fun" stage in this one. I went from, "hmmm I think I will need to invest in a larger set of pencils"... to "I never want to use these again!" to...."I guess a few more pencils would be a good thing"....

That was all week 1! I learned so much I can't put it all down, it was a growth experience to say the least. I learned how people (like my husband) can spend 50+ hours at their jobs and still feel like there is more to do. When you are passionate about something there is no end to the work to be done!

Week 2:

Oh my gosh, let's just say I have not been so happy to reach Friday in a long time! That sounds terrible, but it was extremely challenging for me. It was so strange because it was almost all internal. We had a guest speaker whose goal for the week was to break us out of the mold that we have been conditioned into living in. That doesn't happen easily, or delicately. He was an aggressive personality, which was challenging in and of itself. I was right back to my perfectionism habit, trying to create a masterpiece out of finger painting! That is frustrating! LOL.

He had us do all kinds of things, always asking why not? Why can't an apple be blue? Why does it have to be round? How 'bout square? The first couple days I was having a major internal struggle, hating everything I was doing, comparing myself to others...never a good thing...and totally missing the point. Finally I through my hands up in the air (metaphorically) and said forget it, I'm just gonna do what I want and stop trying. (That was the point all along.) Finally I started making things that he looked at and said "That's fun!"

BINGO! By the end of the week when I looked back through my pieces I discovered there where way more things I liked than I thought. Even though the comparing was bad, I used it to drive me to a new level. I asked myself what do I like about that, how can I make mine more like that. It is so funny, because comparing usually goes two ways. As I sit there thinking I love how bold that is! They are looking at mine thinking I love how delicate that is. Iron sharpening Iron. I learned a lot about not only getting out of the box, taking risks, critical thinking, but also developing my own personal style.

After all week of breaking all the rules, our final assignment was to pick a piece and make a perfect rendering of it. I dug in my heels big time! I did NOT want to do this. I was having a hard time making pictures look good withOUT rules. How was I gonna do it with them? I again had to decide I will do the best I can and enjoy it rather than freaking out about it. (That was after 2 days of freaking out.) I finally picked something and got to work. This cup represents me being poured out, and spreading life, color and FUN! through the world. :) (Along with the "perfect" picture, we were also asked to make a graphic that compliments the object=the water.)

Apparently I am not the only one struggling with these things. One of the artists I admire wrote her blog about this very thing.

"I believe I just had to acknowledge that while self-criticism is important for developing excellent work, perfectionism can become paralyzing when it creeps in...and also that any one painting cannot represent the depth and breadth of an entire body of work. A painting is simply a moment in the course of a long journey. With these thoughts, I was able to loosen up, enjoy painting and feel my faith in the process return. "

-Rebecca Crowell